Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.