Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”