“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.