Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."