*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.