Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.