As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU