Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
