My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!