My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."