My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.