It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.