Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”