SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.