My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.