I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."