Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
