My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!