My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.