After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.