If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
