The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"