What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing