What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.