My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law