My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.