My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.