Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"