A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.