Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.