My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."