I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.