I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”