My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.