My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.