I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.