Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
I really hate straws.
They suck.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.