My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.