Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.