My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!