How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.