What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.