How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.