Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!