My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.