My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.