I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.