I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.