Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07