Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
