I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI