She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.