The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
The sun is just a big space heater.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.