My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
A cow not being on the grill for very long is a rare occurrence.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Stick him in an oven until his Bill Withers
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.