Planning Jokes

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
How to Test Candidates Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?" Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation: If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. If they are sleeping, put them in Security. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, congratulate them and put them in Management."
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Their 40th Anniversary John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah..." she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "I want a divorce." answers Mary. "Sorry," sighed John, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
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