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Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Tableware Puns
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Friendship Quotes
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Yard Puns
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
4th of July Pick Up Lines
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Garden Quotes
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Kitchen Puns
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Food Quotes
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
Funny Aging Quotes
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
Pot Puns
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Garden Puns
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
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