What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
Let's be like Noah and do this as a pair.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
Why do werewolves not enter the Olympics? Too high a chance of a silver medal.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
I wanna bob for your apples.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
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