What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
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