What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Can February March? No. But April May.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
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