What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
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