What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Can February March? No. But April May.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
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