I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Can February March? No. But April May.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
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