What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
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