Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
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