A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
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