Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.