How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.