Toilet Puns

Welcome to toilet puns! These puns are a pipeful.

Toilet Puns

Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?