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Vegetables Jokes

Meat Puns
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
The Old Woman and the Shopkeeper
An elderly woman visited a store that sold jade and requested seven kilograms of potatoes. The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with. The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else. The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots. "Let me guess," said the owner with a sour face, "you want them wrapped individually." "Oh, that would be grand." she said. The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag. The woman then asked: "What are in those crates behind you?" The man flushed red and said "Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!"
Pot Puns
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Onion Puns
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Funny Health Quotes
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Food Quotes
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
Pea Puns
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.