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Rich Jokes

Goblin Puns

The Husband's Budgetary Concerns

A rich man comes home and immediately starts shouting at his wife. "I've been looking at our expenses and they are through the roof! What have you got so much to spend on? From now on, things will need to be different!" "Different how?" the wife asked. "Well, for starters, if you learned how to cook, we wouldn't need a personal chef. If you learned to clean, we wouldn't need a maid!" The wife looks at him and responds: "Then we just need to teach you how to satisfy a woman. Then we can let the gardener go as well."

Rich Fathers

A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks. She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if the worst should happen and there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest we do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You try again."

Funny Money Quotes

Strawberry Puns

An Embarrassing Vehicle

The son of a Saudi mogul goes to study in Europe. One night, the phone rings at the house of his parents. Dad: 'How's your life going, son?' Son: 'It's going well, dad.' Dad: 'Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.' Son: 'No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here.' Dad: 'Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.' Son: 'Well dad, to be honest, I am a bit ashamed to drive to my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.' Dad: 'My dear son, why didn't you say so earlier? I will send you more funds this instant. Please stop embarrassing us and go and get yourself a train too.'

How I Became a Millionaire

It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick, the wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation. The preacher wasn't surprised at this. "Just make it quick, Rick." He sighs. "Sure Father." Said Rick. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience: "I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar," he began. "That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts. At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker's cause or keep it for myself. "I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today." he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye. "Oh yea?" an old woman in the audience stood up, "I dare you to do it again!"

Zombie Puns

Pig Puns

Wisdom or Money?

A man goes on a trip to the desert. At one point, he walks off alone, and suddenly stumbles upon an old lamp. It's old but may bring a few bits, he rubs the lamp and is amazed when a genie pops out! The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money does not bring happiness, and that popularity just makes you a slave to the whims of others, but wisdom is everlasting. I want to be the wisest man in the world." The Genie goes "poof" and suddenly the man's face assumes a serene expression. He sits down, rubbing his chin in thought. Then he looks towards the genie and says, "I should have taken the money".

The Old Lady and Her Wishes

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction. As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by its possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck! The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “Age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “Genie, I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genie's fingers, the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly. “You have one wish left.” he thundered. The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the building's transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “This cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored by her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered... “I bet you wish you hadn't had me fixed.”

The Battle of the Lake

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squire's polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom wasn't so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squire's polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and couldn't fight. The squire of the third kingdom couldn't rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. It just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

The Politician, the Oil Baron and the Pilot

A politician, an oil baron and their pilot crash in the middle of the ocean. They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the politician returned with 4 fish, the oil baron found what he needed to build an open fire, and the pilot found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting their one fish, the politician was going to grab the last fish when the oil baron slapped his hand. They got into an argument, with the politician believing since he spent all day catching fish, he deserved his extra. The oil baron disagreed and said that he supplied the material needed to cook the fish and so it should be his. The conflict escalated, and as they were about to start a fist fight, the pilot sat back and was nervously rubbing his bottle. All of a sudden, the bottle's cork flew off, and a huge green genie appeared in front of them, muscular arms crossed in front of him. "You have freed me, weary traveler!" he booms at the pilot. "I was dropped in the middle of the ocean centuries ago, and now, to thank you, I shall give you three wishes, as is custom." The pilot stopped the genie and asked if instead of giving him three wishes if he could give each of them one, with which the genie generously agreed. The pilot has thought about this before, and he was going to say his wish, but out of fury, the politician pointed at the oil baron and spit out, "I wish all greedy people like him would disappear!" The genie laughed, and was going to grant the wish, until the oil baron said, "well I wish all power-hungry people like HIM disappeared!" The genie looked concerned, and so asked the pilot for his wish. Thinking for a few minutes, the pilot then tells the genie "I'd like my plane fixed, good as new." All three look at the pilot, confused by his modest wish. "You can ask for ANYTHING. Why would you only wish for that?" says an astonished politician. "Well, I was going to wish for world peace," said the pilot, "but you two seemed to have taken care of that."

The Priest and Satan's Deal

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself. "Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear." The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days." The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. "Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!" He told over his strange encounter. The bishop was shocked. "A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!" But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop. "Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!" He told over the story. The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. "Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!" But the priest wasn't convinced. He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he'd receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke. "Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!" "Sorry," said the Pope, "could you speak a little louder?"

Garden Puns

The Mistresses Dilemma

It was the 1930s and a rich banker and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the heck was THAT?" "Oh," replies the husband sheepishly, "she's just my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more expensive cars in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. His wife huffed. "Ours is prettier."

Funny Work Quotes

Friendship Quotes