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Poker Jokes

Arm Puns
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Funny Limericks
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Skeleton Puns
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
The Priest, the Rabbi and the Monk
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The priest mumbles a quick 'Lord forgive me' and answered "No." The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him, "Did you play poker yesterday?" The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear "No." Finally the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him, "So you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely forbidden to lie to me! Did YOU play poker yesterday?" The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks "How could I possibly play poker all by myself?"
Hand Puns
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
Marriage Puns
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
One Liners and Short Jokes
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
An Animal Game of Poker
In a part of Las Vegas humans don't know about, a group of animals are playing cards in Las Vegas... and arguing. Lion: "Stop taking glances at my card, you're a cheetah!" Cheetah: "No, you're a Lion!" Warthog: "You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices." Elephant: "Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGING all the wings!" Warthog: "Tell that to the dude who thinks eating them will make him fly." Ostrich: "You can't talk, you snort off of the table. Also, will we just ignore the fact that one guy ate all the bananas?" Monkey: "Give me a break, I can't even get dinner protein after they fixed all the bugs in the slot machines." Giraffe: "Why don't you just steal leftovers from random plates like I do? You just lean over." The Dog at the table looks at all of them and rolls his eyes. "Ugh, I knew I should have played with my usual crowd!"
Clever Jokes
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Tiger Puns
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Monster Puns
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
The Art of Discretion
Six retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse. During an especially high-stake game, a member of the group, Ron, loses $5,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table from a heart attack. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up. Abraham looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards, and Saul "wins" the dubious honor. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name," he says. Leave it to me." Saul goes over to the Meiers' apartment and knocks on the door. Ron's wife answers the door. "Yes? What do you want, Saul? And where's my good-for-nothing husband?" She asks. Saul gulps. "Ron just lost $5,000 playing poker," He says, "and is afraid to come home." "WHAT?!?" Screams the wife in disbelief. "Tell him to drop dead!" "Can do!"