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Nothing Jokes

Tableware Puns
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Funny Aging Quotes
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
Fairy Puns
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Food Quotes
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
The Case of the Town's Gossip
Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business. Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal. She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Sam, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoon. She emphatically told Sam and several others of the congregation that by seeing his car there, everyone would know exactly what he was doing. Sam, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Sam quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house...and left it there all night.
Classic Pick Up Lines
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Meat Puns
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Utensils Puns
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Funny Health Quotes
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
Orange Puns
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Funny Groucho Marx Quotes
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Out On Family Safari
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Friendship Quotes
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Space Pick Up Lines
Your smile must be a black hole. Nothing can escape its pull.