Medicine Jokes

What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
The Machine Doctor
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you're having. It only costs $20.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks. During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water has too much waste in it. Your dog has ringworms. Your teenage daughter is pregnant. Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months. Also, your car needs a new radiator. And you wonder why you have a headache?
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.